Category Archives: Humor

Exclusive Photos: Maiden Flight of Spacecraft, Reverse-Engineered ET Tech?

Hot:

Historic Lower Manhattan proved the unlikely setting yesterday for the bumpy first flight attempt of a NASA spacecraft, reportedly reverse-engineered from an ET (Orion-based) starship crashed off the Finnish coast.

Just steps away from Fraunces Tavern, where George Washington saluted his weary victorious troops at the end of the American Revolution, this $12.7 billion prototype for flights to Mars, Venus and beyond attempted to circum-teleport the globe by a sophisticated form of “etheric zipline”.

On its first teleportation flight the odd craft, code-named “Chiropterus”, shuddered as it slowly lurched first a few inches, then maybe 10 or 12 feet above the corner of Broad & Water Streets, still strung on its galacto-tensile-strength-rated tethers that stretched into the grey skies.

After a brief bright green flash that my recording device unfortunately wouldn’t register, the Proteus seemed to disappear for an instant–but quickly reappeared, only to clunk clumsily down to the pavement.

According to one of the few onlookers–who seemed a desultory mix of weekend tourists and underpaid Wall St. lackeys–the peculiar-angled, rather menacing black craft almost looked “like a 12th-dimensional bat, trapped in the cave of our greater density vibrations”. Whatever.

A NASA spokesman described this flight as a success, though since no casual observer saw the Proteus do anything except dangle over a quiet Manhattan intersection, it’s hard to confirm or deny their report.

NASA attempted this inaugural Halloween flight of the USS Proteus in downtown NYC because, as the spokesman further claimed, “Area 51 is almost overrun by binocular-wielding, conspiracy-theory-foaming-at-the-mouth whack jobs,” whereas NYC “people are too cool to pay any attention even if King Kong kidnapped the Statue of Liberty…Sometimes the best place to hide a secret is in plain sight.”

Above: Brave female crew leader Hanna Solo looks on after her post-flight debriefing. It’s no picnic to consider that this global circum-teleportation effort could have left her snagged in a dangerous trans-dimensional loop, with her body parts strung painfully across five continents’ ziplines. We can only assume she might be up for a Congressional Medal of Honor.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Happy Halloween!
This spoof’s been fun, but:

Come back next week for a REAL series of mysterious astronomical photos.

Completely authentic, original, remarkable images of the moons & night skies above NYC like you–and I–
have NEVER seen before.

Copyright 2011 Rev. Scott Ufford

Judgment Day$–Tests of Faith–Prophecies from May 21, 2011 to December 21, 2012

Hot:

Breaking World Prophecy News:

In My Opinion:

“But what about the MONEY?”

Sincere, self-styled Biblical scholar, “Doomsday Prophet” Harold Camping, who’s reportedly whipped up quite a profitable frenzy of followers for his alleged $18 million business empire–

thanks in great part to his dire drumbeats of Judgment Day crashing the Earth’s current uneasy wedded bliss between that age-old bickering threesome named Hate, Ignorance & Greed, not to mention smudging the rosy futures of their all-too robust offspring, Faithlessness & Tomfoolery, on May 21, 2011–

faces another difficult test of his own faith:

If Camping really does believe the world faces a horrific 5-month Judgment Day period starting on May 21st (just 2 days away from this time of writing), during which would escalate a horrific degradation and destruction of the human race–or at least, naturally, of those not faithful to his sect’s version of Christianity–

what’s the most virtuous–not to mention pragmatic–thing to do with his wealthy organization?

Business decisions, decisions, decision$:

If he hangs onto his media empire, and Judgment Day DOES kick in on May 21st–won’t his business value crash?

Because, what with an unprecedented accelerating doom of the evildoers of the world (a category that seems to include most humans, but naturally not you or me, dear reader)–

won’t general mayhem incinerate global property values? Or crash our world’s vile economic and satellite communications systems?

Won’t Jesus Christ’s return under such inclement weather conditions trash the dollar’s value even more dramatically than the wildest misdeeds of “Helicopter Ben” Bernanke, who once famously jested–or not–that he’d throw greenbacks to the masses from helicopters if it’d save the U.S. economy?

Of course, if the world’s economy is destroyed–just for starters–Camping and his compatriots could provide invaluable assistance by selling their business properties now, & investing in seeds and plowshares to help later replant & rebuild a shattered planet.

But no, that would be a fatally unfaithful scheme.

Why?

Because–in Camping’s misguided zeal to prove the literal accuracy of the supremely spiritual & mystical Book of Revelations, he says God wont be satisfied with heckling, humiliating & slaughtering all the below-average-in-faith folk–

Instead, He’ll then completely smash the planet to smithereens like a petulant child tired of stacking his building blocks (wait–do any children still play with building blocks?)…

He’ll completely wipe the wheezy memory chip of our planet like a shaken Etch-A-Sketch (wait–do any kids still play with Etch-A-Sketches, either?)…

All the good people will survive. Of course, not many Muslims (too temperamental) or Buddhists (too blase) or Jews (they blew their shot) will sneak past God’s Praetorian Guard, because He has sharp eyes and, what with the Obama administration and Schwarzenegger’s follies, He’ll have completely run out of patience.

Which forces the inevitable first question:

If God says the ways of this world are hopelessly atrocious & doomed, what might be the new ways of His New Heaven and Earth?

After all, with no more destructive capitalism (no Walmart left to sell Jesus a cheap pair of flip-flops made by Chinese slave labor?);

no more militarism (no endless rotating list of mortal enemies left to attack or defend against, or to sell weapons to & then attack or defend against?);

no more sickness or death (them’s that’s gonna go, is already gone, and nobody’s who’s left is likely to give or get AIDS anyhow?);

no more greedy pharmaceutical industry (goodbye, AMA & your licensed pill pushers?);

no more ecological devastation and starving children (sorry, Monsanto, all Frankenfoods & Frankenfertilizers are banned; sorry Nestle, mothers’ milk will do just fine?);

no more tyrannical governments (not when God can run the world quite fairly & efficiently with His tried & tested Republican tribesmen?);

and perhaps most important, no more BAD cultural ideas (let me not be blamed for tainting your innocent imagination with any visualizable examples?)–

will we–sorry, THEY–be reborn again by God into a–gasp–COMMUNAL, PEACEFUL, BLISSFUL dimension of Earthly reality–that is, into the New Jerusalem (again, without those Arabs & Jews cluttering up the golden streets)?

Back to the point, more or less:

Does all this untidy change mean the value of Camping’s business, er, religious organization, will collapse once they leap into– (yes, you heard it here first) –the New Age?

The faithful Camping’s dilemma:

If he really believes his own Doomsday claims, why wouldn’t he sell his church’s business interests now, before May 21st, for top dollar? Distribute the proceeds to the poor of pocket & spirit in a last push to enlighten & save more souls?

(I’d buy it today, for a dozen silver dollars–not to sound Judas-like–just to show my faith in God & mankind)

On the other hand, what if the unthinkable does occur?

That is, what if May 21st, May 22nd, May 23rd, all meekly twitter past us, excuse me, tiptoe past us in a row, with no more than the usual recent horrific dosage of terrible earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear meltdowns and Charlie Sheen revelations?

Will Camping’s group admit defeat? Disband? Pull a Rev. Jim Jones, Jonestown-style exit to avoid facing their embarrassment? (Let’s hope not!)

Or Heaven forbid, will they fall back to a new defensive goal line stand for their fearful Judgment Day scenarios–

“Excuse me, faithful flock, did you know the Mayan astrologers were actually the three Wise Men in disguise?? Onwards to December 12, 2012–let’s keep those donations rolling in for another great fear-mongering year!?”

In my opinion–and I mean no disrespect to Camping or his followers–what they suffer from is a nasty condition that afflicts us all, every human being, from the most faithful to the most hopeless:

Our common human dilemma:

Yes, we–the entire rabble of us–instinctively DO know the world is plunging into revolutionary–some would say calamitous–unpredictable dangers and opportunities.

But as our world pushes past the brink of what feels like tolerable changes, can we see a hopeful future–beyond our darkest visions of fear?

What New World do we want to invest ourselves into?

What imaginative new visions can we embrace?

Most importantly, how can we picture & work for a New World that’s not only defined by what’s gone–by no more war, no more hate, no more tyranny or taxes or terror–but BY WHAT GREAT VISION WE CAN SAY YES TO?

What YES will we freely, gladly give our resilient hearts, souls, beliefs & sweat to?

I trust that you who read this screed after May 21st–and there will be many–will not at your moment of literary breakthrough be sipping a sarsaparilla at the Pearly Gates, or gargling jalapena hotsauce in Hades. Instead, like all the prophets of Apocalypse and their followers, you’ll be wondering:

_____________________?

Bless you, your hopes, your prayers and your dreams.
May God guide you, and Camping’s followers, and our world, to reap the very best destiny we can possibly sow!
-Rev. Scott Ufford,
Spiritualist minister
Copyright 2011

2011 Prophecies — Unexpected World News Headlines:

Hot:

August 17–
Obama Drops Dreaded Peace Bomb on Middle East; Global Repercussions Mushroom; World’s Evil Dictators & Warlords Throng United Nations in Silent Hunger Protest — Reuters

August 18–
Peace Bomb Update — Untold Billions of Innocent Violent Emotions, Hateful Thoughts, Sadistic Schemes, Nasty Plans and Vengeful Plots Feared Vaporized or Missing Worldwide; Hopes Dim for Their Recovery; Trained Search-and-Rescue Units Report Finding Few Survivors – BBC

August 24–
Massive Ripple Effects Seen: Moslems, Jews, Christians and New Agers Join Hands on Jerusalem’s Holy Temple Mount; Kwanzaa Songs Echo Through Dome of the Rock – Pacifica News

September 3–
Israel Apologizes to Palestinians for Brutally Mistreating and Starving Civilians; Arab States Apologize for Repeated Vicious Attempts to Obliterate Israel; Germany Apologizes for Auschwitz; China Apologizes for Tibet; Australia Apologizes for Kangaroo Hunts and Vegemite; Russia Apologizes for Lenin, Stalin, Pogroms, Czars and Sending Puppy into Space Aboard Sputnik — AP

September 29–
Reputed Torture Centers in China, Bulgaria, Iran, North Korea, Sudan, Burma, South Park Emptied; Former Prisoners Pardoned, Given Medical Treatment, Counseling – UPI

October 17–
Dubai Converts 29 Million Square Meters of Empty Luxury Towers into Pan-Islamic Rape Crisis Centers, Safe Houses; Saudi Arabia Turns Scores of Attack Jets into Flying Fashion Shows – Al Jazeera

October 31–
Multinational Corporate Heads Confess Losing Desire to Screw Consumers, Subjugate Poor Folk, Rape Land, Pollute Air, Construct FrankenFoods, Exterminate Endangered Species – Mother Jones

November 25–
Lucifer Issues Heart-Felt Blanket Apology to Jesus Christ, Pope, Indigenous Peoples and All Sentient Beings; Claims Misbehavior Was Just Temp Job Assignment; Claims His Hordes Suffered Childhood Trauma; Posse Enters Betty Ford Clinic – Huffington Post

December 3–
Top Pentagon Brass Privately Complain Peace Bomb Explosion Might Have Triggered Unstoppable Domino Effect of Collateral Damage: “If this Peace Bomb virus ripples back to completely infect America’s military, our brave fighting men and women might lose their brainwashing, stop blindly obeying stupid orders to arm & then attack foreigners with strange accents who live over oil wells in the Middle East. Plus, 100% elimination of the defense budget might force our architects of death to take on kitchen remodeling jobs.” — WikiLeaks

December 12–
The Peace Bomb Was AntiChrist; Nobody Will Want to Buy America’s Weapons; Now Jesus Might Not Come Back; Oprah Is to Blame” – Fox News

December 13–
Millions of Parents & Seniors Nationwide Treated for Shock as Teenagers Act Polite; Teachers Report Overcrowding Crisis as Students Flock Back to Classrooms, Demand More Math & Science Homework — Google News

December 31–
Perpetual Sunny Skies & Pleasant Showers in Forecast; No Tornados, Flash Floods, Tsunamis, Blizzards, Earthquakes, Volcanic Activity, Sunspot Tantrums, Indecent Exposure, Starvation, Drug Addiction, Murders, Meanness Or Mayhem Expected for Next Twenty Centuries – The Weather Channel

Are these headlines really my prophecies? Absolutely!
So, you ask:

What’s the April Fool’s joke?

Simple—they’re scheduled for 2012, not 2011. Giving the evil forces of the world a little extra time to prepare their complete apology, capitulation & adaptation to the Forces of Divine Light.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Hang in there my friends! Every bit of good you do counts!

Peace and happiness to you,
Copyright 2011 Rev. Scott Ufford,
Christian Spiritualist minister